I’m a crusty nerd. I was. Or I’m trying not to be.

I was inspired a few months ago by Nikita Sass on TikTok (yea China’s got my by the gooch). He plays a ‘Russian sugar baby’ character, but he comes from humble nerdy origins. I’m not saying I’ve ever looked like this, but learning little tricks to glow up has been foundational to maintaining an heir of cunty self-satisfaction. I’m not alone, either. One of my friends, Nick, had a massive glow up. It’s sickening. And I can’t have him upstaging me next time we meet up in person. So for my (and whoever’s) reference I’ve compiled all of the little tips and tricks I’ve learned to not look like an anthropomorphized toe. I’m not promising you’ll look like Zach Willmore afterwards, but damn if we’re not going to try.

Being hot (or scraping the bottom limits) means people are nicer to you. You feel better. You get more opportunities. You’re less prone to certain illnesses. It’s unfair, but it’s the truth. And worse yet, most of what I’m going to recommend can be done on the cheap, so there’s little excuse.

Body Composition

It’s all about fat and muscle. Fat is determined by your diet. Muscle by your exercise. And weight doesn’t really matter. This comes first, because it affects everything else about you. Your face shape, how people perceive you. It’s the The White Lab Coat Effect for everything you do in life. It takes time. A lot of time. But ultimately it is in your control, granted you’re willing to stick it out.

Fat

Diet and exercise! It’s all diet. Cardio and exercise do nothing to affect your weight, because your body sets a calorie budget (see Cronometer to see yours). For women it’s likely to be around 2,347 ± 360 calories and 3,053 ± 464 calories per day for men regardless of activity level [1]. It moves the needle a little, but not nearly enough to matter.

I’ve had success with intermittent fasting. It did suck, but it did also feel oddly spiritual. Like it didn’t feel bad or unhealthy when I was doing it, and I didn’t suffer any adverse affects. Of course I’d suggest asking your doctor before trying it. Especially if you have existing conditions. The important thing is to treat it like spiritual practice, not an eating disorder. It’s scheduled. You eat normally during normal hours or days, and fast the rest. I didn’t eat anything fasting days, but having 600 calories of protein rich food is probably a smart call.

My relationship with fat

I’m not a fatphobe. Far from it. I’ve learned that in the same way chunkier men are just funnier. They …y’know better. They’re cute. They make for great cuddle buddies. Give me a big man (with big arms) and I’m over the moon. I love me someone who works out, the specifics don’t really matter. If your doctor doesn’t say you’re in immediate medical danger or at serious risk from your weight, kumbaya.

Buy. I don’t love it for me. I have always been thin. I like being thin, and it works for me. I did a “dirty bulk” a few years ago, which is to say I completely stopped tracking what I was eating, I did my best to get “enough” protein (~15-30g per meal for 5 meals), lift heavy and get “hot”. I put on muscle, but I also got chubby (put on 20lbs).

Then one of my friends fat shamed me (🥰love you for that baby girl), so I decided to “cut”, which is to say I fasted and started using Cronometer, scanning the barcodes of every single thing I was eating, subbing out food (light mayo, rice vinegar for butter, etc.), and learning which foods make for a balanced diet. Which is to say a specific mix of proteins, carbohydrates (carbs), and fats. Then I stopped tracking and stayed the course And it worked. Within a few months I was down 20lbs. In general I learned, based on my diet, that I was eating way too much fat. I also learned that the most important factor when considering foods is the ratio of fat to carbs to protein. Having balanced foods make for an easier to balance a diet.

Recently I’ve noticed I’m a bit too thin and maybe it’s time to bulk up again. Also that I might have to train abs more, because there they were, all weak and underdeveloped despite still feeling fat some days. I’ve since learned you can bulk a surplus of ~200-400 and still get the same benefits without putting on as much weight. Same goes for cutting, only use a small deficit and don’t, like, starve yourself like I did [Cite needed].

Now I’ve become my mother. A granola mom that eats chicken salads and yogurt bowls. I attribute a lot of this to having a stable work-from-home job. It becomes a lot more challenging to eat healthy without that boon.

Rationale

I liken it to plants. Plants also have macros and micros they need. Nitrogen (N), Phosphorus (P), and Potassium (K). If you don’t have enough of any of the three, the plant will be sick in different ways. Same for if they’re given too much of these (mostly because they’re salty). Humans are similar. N, P, and K aren’t evil. Neither are our Macros, it’s just that the metaphorical soil we’re growing in is a little too rich in fat and carbs, so we have to fertilize with some extra protein. For my plants I sprinkle them with some miracle grow every once and a while so they get their micros, same goes for us and our 1-a-day vitamins.

I’m going to be very reductive saying this, but our body stores energy as fat, so it is really good at breaking it down into energy, and the bod stores energy for cells in the blood as sugar, so it barely has to break it down. [Cite needed] That’s why they both taste so good, our body doesn’t have to waste energy digesting it, so they’re more calorie dense. That’s why there are some fitness influencers that cut by eating McDonald’s every day. It’s about how much you eat and not so much what you eat (that said if you eat fatty foods, you have to balance it out with raw protein and it’s not worth it babes). The only two things you need to do to loose weight and feel good are (1) get your nutrients which is to say (a) you macros in the form of protein, fats, and carbs and (b) take your 1-a-day gummy vitamin, what your doctor says you’re deficient in, and maybe a omega-3 fatty acid if you want; and (2) see below:

A lot of people were rightly upset when ‘Beach Bunny - Prom Queen’ became a trend on TikTok and was misused to promote eating disorders, etc. The truth is, everyone should love themselves, take care of themselves. There will always be things you can’t fix about yourself and the truth is there’s going to be someone out there that thinks it’s your most attractive feature. Find what accessories, clothing, skincare, etc. works for them. If you carry weight in a “bad” way, which is to say the fat deposits on your body (everyone has them) sit in unappealing spots, learn to love it and keep counting your calories. They’ll shrink with time, if that’s what you’re after. I think working towards a physique you want is (A) admirable and (B) only hard because the food “soil”, from prior analogy, in America is bad. I do think your fat composition is in your control and it’s as simple a matter as balancing your diet and limiting your calories. That’s why when I heard that song on a fitness transformation, I’d sing along, because knowing how hard my little baby transformation was I want to celebrate people’s big wins, too. It’s a long road for anyone, and very frustrating because exercise has next to nothing to do with “loosing weight”, and can in fact hinder it by adding muscle mass.

I’ve also learned that the science of fat tracking is really all over the place. Smart Scales are the least accurate. Smart watch electrical impedance, skinfold calipers, MRIs, and even DEXA scans each have their limitations. I’ve found you can visually compare body fat in the mirror to any number of online guides showing what certain percentages of body fat look like for best results. Also notice that some of these guys might be to your taste well into the 30% range. The reality is, overall body composition is far more important to how hot you’ll look vs ‘weight’. People don’t weight you with their eyes. You’ll put on muscle if you go to the gym, muscles are hot, you’ll loose a little fat from being more active, and you’ll never really know what’s what. Another piece of advice I found helpful is to only track weight on a weekly basis. Seriously though, Cronometer’s the goat.

Now, I’ll say I looked like the before pictures on all of those dudes who get absolutely shredded, so good to know that’s an option for me if I ever decide to start hating my body again. Honestly I’m sitting at like 20% body fat according to my smart watch and think I look good.

Sample Grindr photo. CW questionably NSFW/suggestive.

Muscle

As for exercise, I’d follow this advice/info in order (you’ll know what stage your in by vibes, but absolutely read ahead and start at whatever level sounds doable). Welcome to lifting college freshie 🎓:

• 1000 level: you don’t know what a set or a rep is. You’ve always wanted to go to the gym. Just… Don’t. Stay at home and do body-weight exercises. Download a free fitness app. Do it daily. Or at least open the app daily and decide for yourself if you really want to work out. This is called stepping foot in the gym and it’s a habit to build now. If you’re at the “gym” and you’re not feeling it, only then give up and go home. Try to do get to the point you can do 12 normal pushups, 12 deep squats, 4 pullups. If you can’t do any of those exercises, Google easier variations. You’ll have to get a $30 pullup bar off amazon for pullups. While you wait on your pullup bar to arrive, wedge a bedsheet in a door to make a makeshift TRX rope (Google it). In general (note the exception, pull ups are hard) you want to do 8-12 of everything you do. Conventional wisdom says any less is training for power and anything more is endurance. The middle is hypertrophy or muscle growth; hot girl shit.
• 1100 level: Now that you can do 8-12 reps — i.e. that many pushups in a row before feeling tired — take a break (at least 45s, but gym-heads may suggest more) and do the same amount again. This is called taking a rest between sets. A set is a set of repetitions done with no break in between. Once you can do three sets, you’re probably ready for the gym. If you need water, take a “water set” between exercises. This is a joke. You now have the right to use gym humor. Abuse this power at every opportunity.
• 1200 level: At this point your fitness app has taught you some basic exercises. There’s push exercises (pushups) where you’re using your muscles to push an imaginary box, pull where you pull the same box, and leg where you’re using the same push/pull ideas, but it’s your legs. This is the basic split (what you use to break up your days exercising, e.g. today will be push day and tomorrow will be pull day, etc.) and what I used for years. You’re going to go find an exercise routine online and follow them. They ideally spell out to the letter (elbows under the weight, bar paths, etc.).
• 2000 level: Go to the gym. Bring friends if you can. When picking a gym membership, keep an eye out for locations, operating hours, guest pass price, and overall vibe. Think long-term, too. Exercises are 45-60 minutes tops. Try to do 6-8 exercises, preferably ones from your routine, and preferably all in the same split, with maybe some abs/rear chain (your lower back) sprinkled in at the end. Google exercises you don’t know. Start with heavy exercises like bench press, pullup, weighted squat. Finish with the rest of the exercises in the split. Find a podcast or some bops you can crank out reps to. Try to minimize distractions. There’s no real difference between machines or free-weights in general, so honestly do the one that makes you more comfortable.
• 2100 level: Also start tracking how heavy you lift and for how much in your notes app. I use NextCloud, because ofc I do. #TODO link to smart-home article. When you start consistently doing 12 reps per set, you should add 5lbs (or whatever the next increment in weights are) to your resistance — how much force you resist when you do a rep — whether that’s another plate or moving the bar down on a cable machine. Now try to do 8 at this new resistance level. This is called progressive overload. This is the only thing that works, across the board including for abs. Note the pullup, you can start by having an assistive pad on the pullup machine help you, then you can transition to free-weight, then you can add weight to your waist. Always start low and only move up if you can do the exercise’s full range of movement (google it, watch videos, be cringe literally do it in the gym, nobody cares), slow and controlled. If your form gives out, stop. I’ve never been injured at the gym and I think this is why.
• 2200 level: Throw in a little variety to your exercises. The gym is going to get boring. Absolutely have some weeks where you have fun and drop the weight and do more reps (repetitions, times you do the exercise) and some where you train power (responsibly increase the weight and do fewer reps). If you do decide to start buying supplements, creatine monohydrate is safe and proven effective, and protein powder/other products are a worthwhile investment, but if you’re anything like me they have to taste good otherwise I won’t remember to take them. Don’t skimp. They last longer than you’d think, especially if you’re doing your best to keep up the protein intake with your regular diet. Elevation products from Aldi, Greek yogurt, Cottage Cheese, Seitan (make your own with bone broth), bone broth, sous vide chicken, etc. Basically keep your eyes peeled for tasty products that are rich in protein. Keep eating healthy fats from olive oil and avocados. Treat yourself occasionally, too.
• 2300 level: You’ve hit your first plateau. Only god can help you now. You keep trying to progressive overload, but it’s just not happening. Reset and move down? Take a break? Train strength for a week? I don’t know. It’s on you to figure out how to push through. I started listening to gymrat music and that helped me. You’ll have to retake these “2300 level courses” many times through your lifting career. Each time it’ll be something different, but you have to persist ❤️. You have your Associates in Hotgirlology. This is not a mandatory lecture series, you already have what you need, just do it professionally for a long time, and you’ll see results. You’re going to look good no matter what. You can skip a week here and there, just try to do at least one set under load per muscle for that week. And if you’re a girl, you won’t look bulky, and if you do you can always cool it on the fitness.
• 3000 level: Start doing back/chest/shoulder/arm/leg splits. Do supersets, exercises of different body parts back-to-back with no rest. Do drop sets, where you cut the weight in half after finishing an exercise and starting up again. Become rat. This is where I’m trying to go, maybe, probably not actually. I hate the idea of buying and sous viding a dozen chicken breasts for the week.
• 3100 level: Bulk and cut. Re-read the fat section of this post. You should arguably care about your diet long before this point, but I’d argue you’re a novice lifter now. You should be tracking calories. You’re allowed to give up, but when you are consistent and your entire personality becomes ‘go Jim’, you are ready… And remember, ±400 calories.
• 3200 level: Just know that you start getting diminishing returns the longer you stay in the gym. Start learning about sets per muscle per week and other some such, but just know we are squarely in diminishing returns territiory. None of this really matters, at this point it’s just consistency and someone saying “you look jacked here” and showing you a picture they took and it’ll all be worth it.
• 4000 level: You’re officially way too into body building. You’ve already started down the dark path, dry scooping creatine and drinking out of gallon jugs of water. You only wear black wifebeaters and Walmart gym shorts. You’ll start saying stuff like “vegetables are wasted macros” and “I’m gonna boil some chicken for the week” (I’m begging you people to buy an immersion cooker and a pepper mill, you deserve spiced and tender chicken). I can no longer guide you child, for you have outgrown me. Go! Become swole. Just know this is not in the core hotgirlology curriculum. You’re about to earn a Bachelors of Gymbrology.

The real secret though is that this isn’t gospel. Or really even all that usefull. Because you’ll advance as you see fit.

Hair

Girl, I’m clearly figuring this one out. I’m going to try to grow it out while I can and get a nice layered look. Tea Tree shampoo and witch hazel has done wonders for my dander. Finasteride has helped curb my balding, but I stopped for a month and it caught up like wildfire. I need to see a dermatologist lmao.

Update: I’ve seen a derm. They perscribed a handful of stuff, but for hair I’m also taking oral Minoxidil. Finasteride to keep hair and Minoxidil to grow more. I’ll have to say it is gender affirming not having an atrocious hairline.

Face

Nina Pool on TikTok is a saint. She’s an autistic baddie who roller derbies and thrifts dupes and dollar store hacks from the “five quarter store”. She has so many hacks if you’re balling on a budget, but here are the concepts, in order. How to do them. And I’m sorting cheapest to most effective (for my skin).

Idiot warning: None of this is medical advice. I am not a formulator by trade. I am not liable for whatever you decide to smear on your face, etc., etc.

Skincare

Spot treating

If you break out, you need to get rid of the pimples. It doesn’t matter how good your routine is, it still happens to the baddies of us.

• Method 1: Pimple patches. I’ve never used the real deal, I’ve always used hydrocolloid bandages. You can buy them really cheap, 4x4in and cut them to size. They’re perfect for overnight treatment for stubborn acne. Can’t be concealed, but they do make thin ones that can be concealed.
• Method 2: Drying lotion. Originally I used Mario Badescu, but now I just mix calamine with astringent. Works about as well. You can put makeup over this one, so it’s a good last-minute fix for a soft spot.
• Method 3: Epsom salt soak. Really cheap at the dollar store. This is best for less stubborn acne, but will get it out cleanly with minimal irritation, especially if you use cotton swabs to prod at it.

Wash

I use “Microfoliant” to exfoliate, but from what I gather it’s not essential and kind of a waste of money because your skin naturally exfoliates and it can lead to damage if done to aggressively. Coarser exfoliants tend to be a little too harsh for my skin. The only exfoliation I would recommend, however, is either a salt or sugar scrub for your lips if they chap bad. Basically any viscous fluid (olive oil/honey/etc.) + any course food crystal (salt/sugar) = lip scrub. It takes off the old lip skin. Optionally hydrate with hyaluronic acid serum and protect with lip balm.

I use cleanser (just a gentle soap) to wash after exfoliating, and that ends my shower routine at night.

In theory (meaning I don’t ever leave my house lmao), in the morning moisturizer and sunscreen are the two essentials. I’ll also say I don’t have dry skin, quite the opposite, but the acne medication dries me out, so the moisturizer helps.

After drying, I use astringent (witch hazel, salicylic acid) to close the pores, hydrate with hyaluronic acid serum, then apply retinol (Differin, like vitamin A + acne meds in one) diluted with a lot of moisturizer (~3:1) to finish me off.

Honestly the results were very similar to the before, until I started washing my sheets and wiping down my VR headset with each use. If it touches your face, it has to be clean. Now I get jump scared by how clean my face is sometimes. “Photographic proof” nah. Show me a man with good skin that’s not secretly doing at least one of these things.

Update: Stopped all cleansers AND MOISTURIZERS per derm recomendations and have been uising Benzoyl Peroxide (4% face and 10% body), killed my use of everything else (minus the hyaluronic acid), and have had stellar results. Have also been perscribed two different acne meds.

Shave

If you’re young, grow a beard. If you’re old, shave. I use a cheap amazon electric shaver, the three-spinning-blades model from Philips. Always dry-shave. Always use astringent after. Not an aftershave product, it breaks me out. If you see zits, see Spot Treating and DO NOT PICK.

Makeup

Ask your local drugstore lady, but the idea is that you’re painting in layers. If you’re a dude, usually it’s just your moisturizer and a little concealer if anything. Ladies and gay-dies have a little more freedom. DIY all of these, but I’ll put the gist after the dash on what they essentially are and what they do

• Moisturizer - protective slime. You’re already acquainted. Maybe Vitamin C if we’re feeling bougie.
• Primer spray - glycerin and water. Helps makeup cling to the face.
• Green stick ♂ - If you have a lot of deep redness on your face, this evens it out.
• Foundation - base paint layer. Pigment smeared on your face to even skin tone. Ask drug-store lady to color match you.
• Concealer - For blemishes that are still healing/red. Dab on and blend.
• Setting powder - starch, makes sure makeup stays where it needs to. Rice/corn starch are often sold as talc-free foot powder in the dollar store.
• Cheeks, Brows, Eyes, Lips - Idk, follow real makeup tutorials.
• Setting spray - alcohol and water.

If you’re a guy I highly recommend trying at least concealer out. If anyone asks, you’re just blessed with clear skin 🤫, “no makeup” looks work on dudes too.

If you do DIY, you should also have some flavor of anti-microbial (preservative). Astringents, alcohols, and parabens are these. Everything I’ve described should be 100% safe, and remember: natural doesn’t necessarily mean safe, what works for me may not want to work for thee, and the cheaper and lower frill the product the more sustainable.

Under eye treatment

Will update soon, Lumin is supposed to be a godsend, but IT cosmetics Bye Bye Undereye has been my go-to.

Update 04-2025: Make-up is the go-to here for me. I know there’s a fancy serum that promotes fat growth under your eyes, Volufiline, but it’s expensive and stops working if you stop using it regularly. The real trick is probably just getting my 8 hours and diet consistant.

Sources

1. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0040503. See Table 1, and abstract for conclusions drawn. Originally from “Kurzgesagt - Exercise Paradox” video. Symbol ± denotes standard deviation.
2. et al.